This summer was, in a word, crappy. I dragged myself through it self-medicating with liquor and food- earning myself 10 extra pounds and a spot deeper in my hole of depression. My kids were miserable that I was miserable and we all climbed Mount St. Summer trying to reach the summit but arriving at plateaus to only seeing more effort ahead, no reward.

But then Mom got better. Ish. I could finally function at pretty close to my original, upbeat settings…but it was too late. Summer was over. The kids went back to school, life became one night of bleachers after another as the days became shorter, the temperature dropped to pants wearing weather and fall approached.

But summer is my season! I like hot weather and sunshine and all that comes with it (except for the slipping around with sweaty thighs on the leather minivan seats- that’s just gross).

Pretty soon I’m going to have to say good-bye to the annual flowers that brought me moments of happiness (or the closest that I could get) and bring the rest of the plants inside for the winter. Most years I am ready. I eagerly retire the aquas and pink accent colors in favor of rusts and oranges; I dot the front yard with mums and pumpkins.  At this time of year I am usually sipping warm beverages that taste of pumpkin spice and baking apple crisps.

But this year the mums and fall colors aren’t drawing me in, I’m burnt out from years of pumpkin spice benders and while I lost the 10 lbs that I gained this summer, I have a long way to go so I’m not making any desserts right now.

But I did buy a couple pumpkins. While it’s not much, this is my one, tiny concession that I will soon say good-bye to the summer I fucked up and never quite made amends with.

Sorry, Summer. I’ll do better next year.